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Jokes
December 11th -18th PDF Print E-mail
Written by Administrator   
Saturday, 12 December 2009 00:48

 

Satan and the old man in church.

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.


Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man in an even tone.

'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And, you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.'

watch has to meanings dad

Greg and Joe were in class together. Greg saw Joe's new watch and asked him where he got it.

"Well," said Joe, "I just waited till I heard my parent's bed swueeking like every other night, and I walked in, and my old man gave me this great watch so I'd leave."

So, Greg decided to try that technique the following night. He went in when he heard the rhythmic squeak of his parent's bed, and walked in.

"What do you want greg?" asked Greg's dad.

"I wanna watch Dad"

"Then sit down and shut up"

counting

The teacher asked little Johnny, "What's two and two?". He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, "Four, teacher?". She said, " Yes, that's right, but you counted on your fingers.

Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what's three and three". He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, "Six, teacher?". She said, "Yes, that's right, but you're still counting on your fingers.

Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what's five and five". He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, "Eleven, teacher?".

Men Vs Women

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

Top 20 Unfortunate Lessons Girls Learn From Twilight

1. If a boy is aloof, stand-offish, ignores you or is just plain rude, it is because he is secretly in love with you — and you are the point of his existence.
2. Secrets are good — especially life-threatening ones.
3. It’s OK for a potential romantic interest to be dimwitted, violent and vengeful — as long as he has great abs.
4. If a boy tells you to stay away from him because he is dangerous and may even kill you, he must be the love of your life. You should stay with him since he will keep you safe forever.
5. If a boy leaves you, especially suddenly (while telling you he will never see you again), it is because he loves you so much he will suffer just to keep you safe.
6. When a boy leaves you, going into shock, losing all your friends and enduring night terrors are completely acceptable occurrences — as long as you keep your grades up.
7. It is extremely romantic to put yourself in dangerous situations in order to see your ex-boyfriend again. It’s even more romantic to remember the sound of his voice when he yelled at you.
8. Boys who leave you always come back.
9. Because they come back, you should hold out, waiting for them for months, even when completely acceptable and less-abusive alternative males present themselves.
10. Even though you have no intention of dating an alternative male who expresses interest in you, it is fine to string the young man along for months. Also, you should use him to fix things for you. Maybe he’ll even buy you something.
11. You should use said male to fix things because girls are incapable of anything mechanical or technical.
12. Lying to your parents is fine. Lying to your parents while you run away to save your suicidal boyfriend is an extremely good idea that shows your strength and maturity. Also, it is what you must do.
13. Car theft in the service of love is acceptable.
14. If the boy you are in love with causes you (even indirectly) to be so badly beaten you end up in the hospital, you should tell the doctors and your family that you “fell down the steps” because you are such a silly, clumsy girl. That false explanation always works well for abused women.
15. Men can be changed for the better if you sacrifice everything you are and devote yourself to their need for change.
16. Young women should make no effort to improve their social skills or emotional state. Instead, they should seek out potential mates that share their morose deficiencies and emotional illnesses.
17. Girls shouldn’t always read a book series just because everyone else has.
18. When writing a book series, it’s acceptable to lift seminal source material and bastardize it with tired, overwrought teenage angst.
19. When making or watching a major feature film, you should gleefully embrace the 20 minutes of plot it provides in between extended segments of vacant-eyed silence and self-indulgent, moaning banter.
20. Vampires — once among the great villains of literature and motion pictures — are no longer scary. In fact, they’re every bit as whiny, self-absorbed and impotent as any human being.
Since the writer of this piece is clearly not female, the list came together only after discussing Twilight at length with women who enjoyed and detested the book and the first two movies.

One-Liners

1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

Puns for fun

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘ No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

How Marriage Works..

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife..

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face.. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany ,
Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long, I'll be right back I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey.... You know... I would have loved to take you with me to the bar so that you can see what I mean but there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your
Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are
Married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it,
Asshole?'

So he stayed home........
.........and, they lived happily ever after.

34 Things You Probably Didn't Know

1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and
down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The spot on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces
will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the
sharks stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14 . Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't
wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower'
because in the time when all original print had to be set in
individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case
on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the
other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.)

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War
II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was
never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange,
purple, and silver.

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years
to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go
mad an sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a
Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you
have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins
without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't
sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law,
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider
than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market
was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a
piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most
often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot safer
now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking
around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing
to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail."

Sailor and priest golfing.

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed."

Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you."

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck’n missed again."

The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you."

The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh fuck…"

The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you."

Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed".

Making a Baby.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the door bell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there. '

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied.. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I ha d to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment? '

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.

Fired after 28 years of service

It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to the many US presidents.

When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said "All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe.' The next thing I knew I was fired."

Random Thoughts for the Day

Random Thoughts for the Day:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day " Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

 
Last Updated on Saturday, 12 December 2009 01:01
 
November 10th through November 20th PDF Print E-mail
Written by Administrator   
Saturday, 21 November 2009 01:37

10 Things Not to Say to a Guy Watching Football

A girl who appreciates the ramifications of a fourth-and-long Hail Mary on Super Bowl Sunday is an amazing find, like a head coach who doesn't wear pleated khakis. So when a girl's as excited for pigskin season as we are, we're looking forward to sharing boneless wings and broken remotes.

But if you're just along for the snacks, we can appreciate that too -- just be sure you don't rack up penalty yards by making one of the following calls, guaranteed to send you to the bench.

10. "I only watch them when they're winning."
Nothing grinds the gears of a diehard fan more than a fair-weather game watcher. Sure, it's more fun when they're dominating the division, but showing love for your team when they're down in the dirt is the same thing as showing love for your man when he's not at his best. That sort of unconditional support goes a long way.

9. "Football is so confusing!"
Not sure about a rule, term or ref's call? Ask us! Any conversation that places us in the role of expert is a touchdown, so don't be afraid to inquire. (But only if you're going to listen and not ask again. Plus, the basics aren't that hard to grasp.)

8. "Come on, don't paint your face. It's so lame."
Ironic, isn't it? You prefer that we abstain from makeup, yet won't let us see you without it?

7. "This is barbaric."
No more barbaric than a Prada BOGO sale on Black Friday. At least with football you can eat nachos.

6. "Brett Favre seems nice."
His performance in "There's Something About Mary" notwithstanding, general guy DNA coding has mutated in the past two years to regard him as a selfish, attention-seeking, legacy-stomping, fan-abandoning douchewhistle. In 2007, Favre "retired" as a hero in Green Bay, Wis., then signed with the New York Jets for one season, "retired" again, then returned for one more season as the QB for the Packers' longtime archrivals, the Minnesota Vikings. And that's why we'll never buy Rayovac batteries, Wrangler jeans or Prilosec again.

5. "Why do you play fantasy football?"
Because, for some reason, the NFL refuses to acknowledge our 40 time of 15.5 seconds as impressive.

4. "I don't care who wins."
Then why are you watching the game? Even if you're rooting against our team, having an opinion is part of the fun!

3. "I want one of those pink jerseys."
Girls in football jerseys are hot; they show that sexy tomboyish side, demonstrate loyalty, and are ready to have a good time. Girls in pink football jerseys, however, would rather look cute than enjoy the game. Choose the former team.

2. "You're obsessed!"
Don't think of it as an obsession; think of it as a display of unbridled passion. Sexy, right?

1. "It's just a game!"
This statement is the single-most offensive assertion you can make to a fan because, quite simply -- and this goes for baseball, basketball, hockey, and the like -- no, it's not.

Yo moma is so ugly

yo moma is so ugly, the zoo put a picture of her in the monkey cage so they would stop jerking off.
 

Artificial Insemination

Kadark buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
Kadark doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.
Kadark hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.'
 

Crushed Scrotum

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.


A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "
 

The South

The South - You Gotta Love It



Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"






Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."


Louisiana

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana . "When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."




Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."


North Carolina

A man in NORTH Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."




Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"




Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.


The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."



You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.
 

Dirty Little Matt and Teacher

uLittle Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are three women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way yo're thinking!"
 

Stiff Worm

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
 

The Juggler

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.

As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer demanded.

The driver got out the machetes and started juggling them, starting with three, then more, and then finally seven at one time. He juggled them overhand, underhand, and behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

As another car passed by, the driver did a double take, and said to himself, "I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
 

Pissing Etiquette

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his leak , washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps sir we were taught to wash our hands after urinating".

The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army fuckwit, we were taught not to piss on our hands.
 

The Economy Is So Bad

The Economy, How Bad Is It?


The economy is so bad... That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy is so bad... I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad... If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them...

The economy is so bad... Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad... Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad...A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The economy is so bad... Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad... The Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad... Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal... Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

what do u call a serial cum guzzler

Q: what do you call a serial cum guzzler

A: Carboc

Two terrorist mothers talking.

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.


'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.


And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.
'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.


'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18, she whispers. 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.


After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...


'They blow up so fast don't they?
 

Three guys fishing in a boat.

Three guys are fishing together one spring morning, when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance, and falls out of the boat.


Ed says, "What should we do?"

Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while and he might need some help."

So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get Fred back in the boat."

They wrestle Fred back into the boat.

Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing."

Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth."

Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath."

Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."
 

Whats the difference

Whats the difference between a bowling ball and a hooker?

Nothing, they both get Picked Up, Fingered and then Banged down some alley!
 

Three pregnant woman

3 Pregnant women sitting knitting...
The first takes a handful of pills and continues.
The second asks what are the pills you are taking?
Vitamins she replies so my baby has wonderful skin, nails and hair.
The second keeps topping up a glass with milk.
The first asks why are you drinking all that milk?
The second replies, so my baby has strong bones and teeth.
The third is knitting and listening and all the while scoffing tablets.
The first asks what are you taking?
She replies Thalidomide tablets.
The first yells "Why would you take Thalidomide?"
Oh, replies the third " I can't knit sleeves"

 
Last Updated on Saturday, 21 November 2009 01:51
 
November 4th through November 10th PDF Print E-mail
Written by Administrator   
Thursday, 05 November 2009 01:49

 

The Sadist, Masochist, Murderer, Necrophile, Zoophile, And A Pyr

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.


"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over... and the masochist says:

"Meow."
 

Little Johnny meets Obama

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he
visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion
related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked the
president if he would like to
lead the discussion on the word
'tragedy.'

So our illustrious president asked the class for
an example of a
'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and
offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in
the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him, that would
be a tragedy.'

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an
accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus
carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside,
that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained
Obama.'That's what we would call great
loss.'

The room
went silent No other children volunteered..

Obama searched
the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example
of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little
Johnny raised his hand . In a
quiet voice he said: 'If the
plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was
struck by a 'friendly fire'
missile and blown to smithereens that would
be a
tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And
can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says
the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't
be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an
accident
either.
 

another pig joke

there was a bear, a lion and a pig.
-the bear said: that when he growls the whole forest gets frightened
-the lion said: that when he growls the whole jungle gets frightened
-the pig said: so what, all i have to do is sneeze and the whole world shits its self!
 

Listen to them.....

A schizophrenic, a bipolar, and a "normal" guy stood before the throne of God. All of a sudden, a trap door opened in the clouds and the normal guy fell through. God exclaimed, "He wouldn't listen to me!"
 

A muslim goes to heaven...

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.



He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Muhammad. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.



'Are you Muhammad?' he asks.

'No, my son. I am Peter. Muhammad is higher up.

And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Muhammad should be higher than Peter.

he climbs the ladder in great strides,

climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Muhammad?

'No, I am Moses. Muhammad is higher still.

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy.

he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again,

he discovers an even larger room

where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Muhammad?

'No, I am Jesus...You will find Muhammad higher up.

Muhammad higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

'Are you Muhammad?' he gasps,

as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son...I am God. But you look exhausted.

Would you like a coffee?'

'Yes, please, my Lord'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

'Hey, Muhammad, two coffees!'
 

Blonde Jigsaw Puzzle

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............," he sighed, ..... "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."
 

Rub It

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"
 

Smartest women

A plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has only three
parachutes. The first passenger says "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA
basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die." So he
takes the first parachute and leaves the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the
former President of the United States. I am the most ambitious woman in
the world. I am also a New York Senator, a potential future President,
and above all, the smartest woman in America." She grabs the second
parachute and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, The Rev. Billy Graham, says to the fourth
passenger, a 10 year old school boy, "I am old and I don't have many
years left. As a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the
last parachute."
The boy says, "It's okay. There is still a parachute left for you.
America's smartest woman took my school backpack."
 
 

 
Last Updated on Thursday, 05 November 2009 01:59
 
October 12th to October 18th PDF Print E-mail
Written by Administrator   
Monday, 12 October 2009 23:09

 

Subject Drug Warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."


It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
 

Medical distinction

medical distinction.

This is a medical distinction.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wi fe with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both result in untimely death.
 

its either bad or a repost but its called "Too Many Kids"

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right year Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."
 

Before and after marriage

BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband: Aaah!...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife: Do you want me to leave?
Husband: No! Don't even think about it.
Wife: Do you love me?
Husband : Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife: Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband: No! Why are you even asking?
Wife: Will you kiss me?
Husband: Every chance I get!
Wife: Will you hit me?
Husband: Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife: Can I trust you?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
 

How to Choose a wife

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they did with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.


There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 

Romance Mathematics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS


Smart man + smart woman = romance


Smart man + dumb woman = affair


Dumb man + smart woman = marriage


Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
 

sex of a fly

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
 

Courtroom

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
 

Gay Flight Attendent

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

An obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood
As he served us food and drinks, was serving my flight. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvel has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to
raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess
and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch

Blond Joke

BLONDE JOKE
Two blond girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill
the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the
other then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest!
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by
the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -
why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and
fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it
probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But
today the one who plants the trees called in sick."

Four Languages

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response,

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other,

"That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

the sick pakistan

So a Pakistani US citizen goes to the doctor because he just simply doesn't feel good. He's tired, his stomach is upset, he has a headache. Just feels terrible. The doctor checks him over and can't find any medical reason for him to feel the way he does. He offers a Naturotherapy approach that he has seen work before. The Pakistani man is stunned, though, that the treatment means he has to go home, shit and piss into a plastic bag and leave it in his basement for a week.
"Trust me," the doctor says, "I have seen this work."
The man goes home and follows through on the instructions. Within a day, though his house smells terrible and by the end of the week, it is an overwhelming stench. His eyes water every time he walks in the door, but he feels no better. He calls to yell at the doctor who calmly says,"Go down and take three big deep breaths directly from the bag and you will be cured." "You're crazy!" comes the reply. "Trust me," says the doctor.
Down he goes into the basement and he takes the first breath. Gagging and choking, he does it again. Then, on the third breath, he feels the headache leave. His stomach settles and he feels amazingly well. The stench is even tolerable. He calls the doctor to tell him the good news. "I told you I've seen this work with people from Pakistan before," says the doctor. "You were just homesick!"

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Old men go to a brothel

Two elderly gentlemen who have been out at the pub all night decide to stop at a brothel on the way home. They stumble in and the Madame takes one look at them and says to one of her girls, "Go put an inflatable doll in each of their bedrooms; these guys are too old and drunk to notice. The men pay their money, go in and leave half an hour later.

During the walk home the first man says,"I think my girl was dead, she didn't move or make a sound at all." The second man says, "Well I think mine was a bloody witch!"

"A witch!? Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well I gave her one little bite on the arse and she farted and flew out the window."
 

A drop in suicide bombing

Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombing.

Apparently, a lot of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looks like.
 
September 28th to October 7th PDF Print E-mail
Written by Administrator   
Monday, 28 September 2009 18:51

Jokes are updated daily so check back! 

It's science

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

Kentucky Sheriff

A Kentucky Sheriff stops at a farm in rural Kentucky and talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."

The old farmer says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified..

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge!! Show him your badge Smart ass!" 

Teaching a Woman Golf

A woman turns up to a golf lesson in all white, with cleats and fantastic drivers. The professional teaching her said "Okay show me your best shot" She wacks it 25 yards into the rough "oops can i try again she asks. The teacher says "Yes but this time move your wrist further down the club"

So she hits it 10 yards into the pond.
The teacher says "your making me feel really bad here, the guys are watching me from the club house and my teaching skills are great...hmm, hows about, you think of the club, as your husbands penis"

She hits the ball 250 yrds down the freeway at high speed, hole in one!

The teacher cheers and shouts "Well done, Well done!" Now take the god damn Golf club out of your mouth.

Economic Woes

Who would have thought the economy would get this bad...

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

Ticket Please

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting.
At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one.
When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."
They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom.
After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please."
An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket.
The lawyers were very impressed.On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket.
To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all.
When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see."
All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor.
After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket please."

Sex in Advertising

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

old man joke

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again louder. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "Damnit, he needs a pair of your underwear!"

Robber is now the sucker!

Posted in a well known public advertisment!

Anyone up for stopping by his place for a late night home invasion? I think I'll pass!!!

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.


My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card.. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]


I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

50 for the homeless

$50 For the Homeless

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed.

"Wow... what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the $50, you earned, to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
Last Updated on Tuesday, 29 September 2009 00:51
 
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